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About Me

Photo credit: Martina Tolot

Let’s start this off with the obvious things you need to know about me:

Three things I can’t live without:

– My Dogs
– Wine: Sauvignon Blanc and Pinot Grigio when it’s hot, Cabernet or Syrah when it’s cold.
– Hot sauce: …but the type of hot sauce depends on the food – so like, Sriracha for Asian-y foods. Chalula for Mexican foods. Tabasco for a lot of things. I can get into Tapatio, but it’s not my fave. (I like hot sauce more than ranch. If I had to choose, gun to head, like, you can only have one for the rest of your life – I would choose hot sauce… wait, it’s like choosing between my dogs. I choose death.)

 

About my childhood and wannabe-goth phase…

Well, I’m from New Orleans and my parents love to get married. Hahah – kidding, well actually not. I’m the oldest of 3 siblings (two half and one full) and that describes a lot of my personality. I basically raised Nikolai, my youngest brother. I would come home from rehearsal or school and take care of him all night long and I loved it. If I had to sum it up, I’d say my childhood was normal as fuck… but my parents just got married a lot.

In high school, I went through a wannabe-goth phase, but I didn’t fully commit. This is the thing, when I was in high school I felt like I didn’t belong. I went from being a boss bitch in grammar school to not knowing who I was at all. My group of friends in grammar school were called Stassi’s Posse. I was President of the school. I ran the show. And then when I got to high school, it was like Zoolander when he was like “Who am I?” and I was like “I don’t really think that popular girl is me.” I didn’t like guys my own age, I didn’t like going to parties and getting drunk (I know, it’s shocking), I didn’t like any of the stuff people like in high school. Instead, I got into Angelina Jolie, like when she was all dark and shit, wearing blood around her neck – before she turned a new leaf. I wanted to wear gray lipstick. I decided to dye my hair black – but I was always into fashion, like looking at Vogue 24/7 to see what everyone’s wearing and thinking Sienna Miller was so cool wearing boho chic, so I was like a hybrid. The phase lasted about 3 years… haha I would bring tarot cards to school to convince people I read them – I didn’t. I just made shit up. I was just a hybrid of a bunch of shit because I didn’t know who I was.

 

That’s where musical theater came in…

Musical theater is a huge part of my life. My favorite show of all time is Aida. I love the story, I LOVE the music… if you haven’t seen it, you wouldn’t get it – but you should totally see it!! I became obsessed with musical theater when I was 6 or 7 years old, after my dad took me to my first play, Les Miserables. (So yeah, I’m a basic bitch and Les Mis is also one of my faves.) Seeing shows just sort of became our thing and we still go to NYC for the sole purpose of seeing plays every night. So I have my dad to thank for that.

The obsession was real. Instead of going to normal summer camp, I would go to musical theater camp over the summer and I just loved it. I went to an all-girls’ Catholic School and during my freshman year, I auditioned for this super hardcore art school called NOCCA – New Orleans Center For Creative Arts. People would go there to prepare for Juilliard and shit – it was so intense. I still remember practicing for my audition and legit being scared out of my mind. When I got in, I felt like I got into Julliard. So I’d spend half of my time at normal high school, half of my time at NOCCA, then I was President of the Drama Club after school (no joke).

So yeah, musical theater has been a huge part of my life. I just love it. I would come home from school and if I was home alone, I’d crank that shit up – Phantom of the Opera, Evita, Les Mis – it just puts me in the best mood. It makes me so happy. And I still do LOL…

…with my musical theater spotify playlist!

A couple years ago, I got a Breast Reduction…

So many of ya’ll ask me about this so here’s the sitch: I got my boobs when I was like 13 years old and they were DD. And heavy as fuck. I’ve always been into fashion even through my goth phase and I just felt like I had 2 flaps of skin that were always sweaty hanging on my stomach 24/7. Legit, I could hide a family of cats underneath my boobs and I didn’t like it. It hurt. The times I tried to work out, I’d wear 2 sports bras and get scabs. I just never felt comfortable with my body having big boobs. BUT as I got older, I was scared that I’d have an identity crisis with small boobs, so I was always scared to do it.

Photo credit: Martina Tolot
Photo credit: Martina Tolot

When I finally made the decision, I went to a bunch of doctors and found Dr. Firouz – shout out!!! He said, “I won’t let you go really small because you are somebody who has big boobs, so I won’t let you chop them off.” So I felt comfortable with the fact that I was just going from a DD to a small D. I would still have big-ish boobs, but I could work with them. Now, I LOVE THEM. They’re the best.

The healing process was uncomfortable, but not painful. The inconvenient parts are reaching/lifting things and having to sleep on your back for a while. Recovery is way worse than implants, but the pros totally outweighed the cons. After my surgery, I would just stare at them and be like, “This is what it is up.” It made the healing process easier, knowing they were smaller. I barely took my pain meds because I didn’t feel that much pain. And the first night, I drank because my degenerate alcoholic friends came over with wine pops and every alcohol you could think of (shout out to Kristen, Katie, Rachael, and Sheena Mannina). Lol. It was about 6 weeks until I could take off the surgery bra and felt close to back to normal.

And as far as relationships go, sex is way more fun because I’m more confident, even with the scars. I like sex so much better now. I’m out of my own head and I feel way freer to do what I want.

 And finally, the loves of my life, My Dogs…

Coming home to my three babies. ???

A post shared by Stassi Schroeder (@stassischroeder) on

I’ve figured out that, in life, I’m an ambivert, like basically and introvert AND extrovert. I’m really good at being social. I like to go out. I like being around my friends and being in social situations. But, I seriously need alone time and I need to not be bothered on a regular basis. It’s a really intense thing. So there’s a certain amount of time I can last being around people, then it’s time to go back to my dogs and charge my batteries and not speak or hear my phone ding.

Coming home to my dogs is the fucking best. Zoe was a yorkie shitszu and Luda is a maltipoo. I got Zoe from Jax’s family and she was queen of the castle – my mini me.

I actually got Luda near the end of filming of Vanderpump Rules Season 3. Kristina Kelly and I were doing a driving scene in my car. We were waiting while they were lighting the car and someone who works in production on the show, posted a photo of this tiny little white dog alien and it said “This little lady needs a new home. Any takers?” The photo was so freaking cute, I just thought, “motherfuck” and I texted her right away. I was like I need this dog. For a second I thought I’d get her for Nikolai because he wanted a dog, but then I thought, “OMG I want a 2nd dog to keep Zoe younger.” I totally believe in getting a younger dog when you have an older one to keep the older one more lively.

They texted back and we set a time to have Luda and Zoe meet before I committed to taking her… and legit I thought Zoe was going to EAT Luda, she did not like her at all. I thought I was accidentally going to kill the dog LOL but I fell in love with her so much, I had to have her. She was not even the size of one of my bra cups… and now she has the best personality ever. She’s transgendered, I know it. And she’s an asshole. Like, she’s a full on bitch, but I love it. She loves to cause a scene. She acts like she’s going to tear a dog apart or someone who drops off my Postmates or yummy.com and I’m like, “What are you going to do, you ass?” Luda is the best. (She’s getting groomed right now and she’s gonna be so handsome.)

Xx,
Stassi

Main photo credit: Martina Tolot

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