Dear Joann,

Where are you? I’m coming.

Unless you’re really far, then I’m not. But, be thankful that you’re experiencing this haunted shit because I don’t get to and (as you may know) I’ve been trying to have crazy experiences like this happen to me for my whole life.

Um, also it’s SUPER creepy that you named your bitch ghost Rosemary because that’s my grandmother’s name AND my confirmation name… soooo maybe this bitch ghost is really just me in another dimension trying to fuck with you? Maybe not.

Ok, Joann. Let’s get real. If this was happening to me, I would be SO scared and I have no idea how I’d react but I’m going to say I’d probably move. Actually, the fact that this is really happening to a loyal Khaleesi like you really freaks me out – I don’t need any Paranormal Activity shit happening to someone awesome like you who listens to my podcast.

I didn’t think that ghosts actually hurt people and your email sounds like the beginning of a Paranormal Activity movie. Like, shit starts happening, then it gets worse, then… you die. And I really don’t want you to die, Joann.

Side note: I never understood why people in horror movies didn’t just go to the mall when shit started happening? I mean, I would be thinking two things – 1. GET OUT – and 2. don’t be alone. And what better destination than a crowded mall? Right? Right.

After much deliberation, my official advice to you is get the fuck out of that house and go to the mall or to a friends house or anywhere that isn’t your house. Then, send movers in to pack up your shit and peace outta that place. Live temporarily with family or friends, or find an apartment with roommates. Never go back. And tell that bitch ghost to go to hell.

Stay safe and keep me posted,
Xx Stassi


  1. Dear Miss Schroeder, I am issuing a challenge to you and the rest of the clan to come visit me in Kentucky at the World Famous Bobby Mackey’s Music World, quite possibly the most haunted place in America. If you make it through the night, I will give you your license as a Certified Paranormal Investigator. However long you stay, your belief in the paranormal will be 100% confirmed. I double dog dare you!!

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