On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Beau and Stassi dish on their Italian adventures, from the country itself.
“Big steps right now.”
“So, we’re here in Italy,” Stassi says. “This is the first time I’ve ever been out of the country with a boyfriend.”
“Same,” Beau says. “With a girlfriend.”
“Big steps, big steps right now,” Stassi says.
“Huge. Grande. Horrible,” Beau says.
“Shit could have gone horribly wrong,” Stassi says.
“Well it started awkwardly, but then it went well,” Beau adds.
“How did it start awkwardly? Because I got emotional?” Stassi asks.
“No, because I still had sickness from Coachella,” Beau explains.
“Oh, you’re right. You weren’t as fun as you normally are,” Stassi says. “I feel like we should go chronologically. So, it’s a big deal that it’s our first trip together out of the country. Thank God for Poo-Pourri.”
“Oh my God, the only reason I know about Poo-Pourri is because at our office, there’s only one bathroom, and I used it and was like ‘If I would have known about this years ago, I would have been so secure about taking a poop,’” Beau says.
“I thought I was the one that showed it to you?” Stassi asks.
“No, no. You and the office have the same one,” Beau explains. “When I ordered it, instead of getting the normal one, I got like a liter of the Poo-Pourri that you have.”
“I’ve always said, ‘Oh my God, I can’t wait to get to that point in a relationship where we can talk about poop and it really doesn’t matter,’” Stassi says.
“I mean, it doesn’t matter, but—“ Beau starts to say.
“Well, I’m not going to sit and talk about, like, what it looks like or—“ Stassi starts to respond.
“But we’re not going to be that couple where I’m sitting there pooping and you’re—“ Beau starts to reply.
“No!” Stassi says. “That will never, ever happen.”
“Even with Poo-Pourri, I still don’t want that to happen,” Beau agrees.
“I never want to actually see you shitting, unless you’re in the middle of the street and you’re shitting your pants,” Stassi says.
“Unless it’s a unicorn fart, or a unicorn poop, or glitter poop,” Beau adds.
“Glitter poop, 100%,” Stassi says. “But, actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t mind seeing you shit your pants because it would be so funny.”
“Yeah,” Beau says. “You would enjoy that.”
“This would be a wonderful horror movie.”
“So, we’re here for fun, but also to meet Beau’s family,” Stassi says.
“I have a birth father from Italy, who is Italian, and then moved to America. My mom got re-married to my Dad when I was five, and I never saw my birth father again until I was 21. And then I found out I have a half sister and all of these cousins. In Italy there is no ‘half sister’ so her mother is my mother, she is my sister, my other cousins on my birth father’s side are all my family. That’s it in a nutshell.”
“So he didn’t grow up in Italy, but his sister did,” Stassi adds.
“She’s full Italian,” Beau says. “We met in 2001 or 2002. She’s a little bit younger than you.”
“Can I tell you how relieved I am that I love your family so much?” Stassi asks. “How much would it have sucked if we didn’t get along? What do you even do? Do I just fly back home?”
“It would have sucked ass,” Beau says. “We probably would have left Italy and gone some place else.”
“I would never make you do that,” Stassi says.
“That would be awkward, me sitting there while you’re not getting along with my family,” Beau says. “We’re already here, I wouldn’t say go home. I’d say ‘Fuck off’ and we’d do something else.”
“Well that’s really sweet, but no,” Stassi says. “We got past the Poo-Pourri part, we got past the family part — I feel like it will be smooth sailing for a while.”
“And my sister loves you,” Beau says.
“I feel really lucky,” Stassi says. “Although, I thought she was going to murder me.”
“Yeah, I did too,” Beau says.
“Do you know what I’m talking about right now?” Stassi asks.
“No, but I can’t wait for you to tell me,” Beau laughs.
“So, I’ve loved every fucking day that we’ve spent in Italy. I don’t want to be annoying and be like, ‘This trip was so great everyone, it’s great, it’s great, it’s awesome.’ But, it’s been really easy and great. I was worried about, ‘Oh my gosh, I don’t know anyone, I don’t speak Italian, I don’t know anything.’ And I like to plan my trips, but I just let you plan it. And that took a lot for me. Okay?”
“That’s good,” Beau applauds. “You’re growing.”
“I’m growing,” Stassi mocks. “I’ve loved every single day, but the day that I loved the most was the night that I thought I was going to be murdered, and that’s when Georgia, your sister, was driving us in the countryside the other night to that awesome restaurant, Dalla Lalla. Let me just explain. We were legit in the middle of nowhere already. We took the metro to the middle of nowhere, we get picked up by Georgia’s mom and her step-dad. They speak Italian and no English at all. I’m just sitting there smiling. Like, ‘I’m just going to use my looks.’”
“Thank goodness the Botox is gone because you wouldn’t have been able to smile,” Beau says. “They wouldn’t have understood, like, ‘Why are you just staring at us with this blank look on your face?’”
“Thank God the Botox wore off, that would have really sucked if it didn’t. So they pick us up, I speak no Italian, Beau is having conversations and trying to translate between us. When I heard bellisima, my ears perked up, and I was like, ‘What?’ And smiled again,” Stassi recalls. “But I was very, very impressed by how you were able to full-on speak Italian, and switch your brain to be able to translate.”
“It’s broken Italian, but it works,” Beau says.
“But that was the night that I thought I was going to be murdered by your sister because, like I said, we were already in the middle of nowhere,” Stassi says.
“It is actually a really good setup,” Beau says. “‘Take your girlfriend to Italy. Five days in when everything is good, when she feels safe and secure, we’re going to drive outside Milan into the rice paddies into this random area in the middle of nowhere, and we’ll come up to this big barn which is also a restaurant—and this is where they cook and eat people.’”
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” Stassi agrees. “This would be a wonderful horror movie.”
“Call the townsfolk in to watch us stick an apple in your mouth and roast yo ass,” Beau says.
“It was like, ‘Do I know Beau really though?’ I was having all these thoughts. I’m like, ‘We’ve been driving for at least an hour and I haven’t seen a street light or a sign,’ and Georgia’s like, ‘There are only 100 people in this town,’ and I’m like, ‘Great.’ And we keep going. ‘There’s even less in this town.’ Cool. If I was going to murder someone, I would drive them here and convince them we were going to a restaurant.”
“Good luck finding a body,” Beau adds.
“Yeah, 100%,” Stassi says. “I was legitimately thinking ‘How well do I know Beau? Has this been a full-blown thing to devise this master plan to murder someone?’ It’s like if you guys were serial killer siblings.”