On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Katie Maloney Schwartz joins Stassi to recap their thoughts on the Royal Wedding.

“Uh, did we just fuck this all up?”

“I just want to say, before we start discussing the wedding, that I have the best friends ever,” Stassi begins. “Shout out to Alex Stafford. Beau and I were sleeping in my bedroom and I knew she was going to come over. We were all planning on waking up early and getting together to watch the royal wedding. Alex said, ‘Oh, I’ll come at 4:00 A.M.’ This hoe, this miniature, little hoe, walked over from her apartment at 4:00 in the morning, it’s pitch black, mind you—”

“—dragging a suitcase—” Katie adds.

“—dragging a suitcase full of supplies,” Stassi repeats. “Teacups, food, a teapot, scones that she made, crumpets, bagels.”

“There was a whole spread,” Katie says.

“Fresh fuckin’ lox,” Stassi adds.

“A bottle of gin,” Katie continues down the list.

“AND her dog,” Stassi says. “How did she walk over in the middle of the night, this little, mini person, with all of that shit? So besides that fact, I’m sleeping, Beau is in the same room with me sleeping, and all of the sudden the dogs start barking. I’m like, ‘Don’t worry, it’s Alex.’ I go out to check, and yup, sure enough, it’s Alex, a little Polly Pocket in blackness because the sun isn’t even close to rising. I’m like, ‘Can you just wake me up when you’re done with whatever you’ve planned?'”

“Spoiled,” Katie interjects.

“Yes, Alex does spoil me a lot,” Stassi agrees. “Then she came and woke me up and I saw the whole English spread. And then Katie came over. Props to you for actually waking up early too, because you got in a car and drove.”

“Yeah, I did that,” Katie says. “I also woke up, took the dogs out, and then got in my car and drove over.”

“That is some major, major effort,” Stassi applauds.

“And I brought a crown,” Katie adds.

“You did, you walked in with a frickin’ tiara on your head,” Stassi confirms.

“I was committed, too. Not to 4:00 A.M. But my goal was to be here at about 6:30 A.M., because I had read that’s when it would be airing,” Katie explains.

“Yeah, we got that all wrong,” Stassi says.

“But still, I showed up at the time that it was airing what I wanted to see,” Katie says. “Even though it had already aired.”

“We did miss it,” Stassi explains. “Before you got here, I was like, ‘Okay let’s turn it on,’ and then I’m like, ‘Wait a second,’ and Alex was like, ‘Why are they in the carriage together?’ and I’m like, ‘Uh, did we just fuck this all up?'”

“You did it first.”

“I loved the dress, I just wish it was tighter,” Stassi says of Meghan Markle’s wedding gown.

“She’s effortless, she looked like she was maintenance, and she looked like she was wearing no makeup,” Katie says. “The way she dresses is very simple, not plain, but not trendy… Aside from the Deal or No Deal picture of her, she seems to just always wear stuff that’s more carefree and casual. So I don’t know, maybe she didn’t want the dress to be formfitting. Maybe she lost a little bit of weight and didn’t have time for alternations. It didn’t look ill-fitting…”

“To me, the arms did,” Stassi says. “The arms looked ill-fitting.”

“Who knows? Or maybe it was a conscious decision with the Queen — they didn’t want it to be too sexy or too tight,” Katie says.

“Because her face is already so hot, it was like, ‘Your body can’t also be that hot,'” Stassi laughs.

“Maybe the designers decided that that was the look for it,” Katie says. “She didn’t look bad.”

“She looked perfect!” Stassi says. “She looked perfect.”

“And her hair was great, because it looked a lot like my hair…” Katie says.

“You did it first,” Stassi gives her props. “You had a frickin’ crown, you had a loose bun, you had a boat neck gown…”

“It made me feel even cooler about my wedding,” Katie says. “But yeah, I wanted my hair back but I had it parted in the middle and it was done up, but back — it wasn’t an up-do, it was a back-do. And she had the same thing going on with her beautiful tiara — oh my God that thing was amazing.”

“Fuckin’ Disney princess crown,” Stassi sighs.

“The thing is, on your wedding day, you’ve got to look like yourself,” Katie says. “It’s not the time to be trying out a new look, or be a Glamazon, or have a smokey eye. You want to look like yourself.”


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