On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Stassi is joined by Katie Maloney Schwartz and they share some sage life advice about dating, singlehood, and setting standards.
“2018 is the year of myself.”
“I went to our tarot card reader two days ago and I am going to be single for a very long time,” Stassi says.
“Really?” Katie asks.
“Yes. And she said, totally this year, I am going to be single,” Stassi says.
“Meaning 2017?” Katie asks.
“2018,” Stassi says. “2018 is the year of myself. It was actually very odd, Katie.” Stassi backtracks to explain. “So, Katie and I went to Angie Banicki, she’s fucking amazing. She’s a tarot card reader to Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow and shit. She’s legit. She predicted some crazy ass stuff that happened that I don’t know if I’m allowed to say because it might be on Vanderpump Rules. So Katie and I went to her this summer when I was told that I was going to have two boys. Awesome. And I went again two days ago, and yes, she said 2018 is the year of me, focusing on myself. If she would have told me this over the summer, this would have really upset me. I would have felt really alone, really sad, really depressed.”
“Because no ones going to tell you that when you’re in a relationship you’re going to be single,” Katie laughs.
“But also remember last year when Patrick and I broke up, I was still so focused on wanting to date people,” Stassi recalls. “More than this time around.”
“There’s nothing wrong with going on dates and dating people, but in terms of being in a relationship, that’s a whole other story,” Katie says.
“Right, but I was on like, Raya, I tried Bumble. I was actively trying to do stuff. If she would have told me this last time Patrick and I broke up, it would have upset me,” Stassi says. “This time it felt oddly, like, strengthening.”
“Last time, didn’t she say something like, ‘By this time (whenever that time was) you’ll know the person that you’re going to be with,’?” Katie asks.
“I can’t remember if she said that, or, ‘You’ll know that you’re not supposed to be with the person that you’re with right now,'” Stassi says.
“I can’t remember exactly, but, I felt like I remembered her saying that at this time, maybe next year, you’ll meet the person you’re going to be with,” Katie says. “So maybe it’s just meeting them. Maybe next year.”
“So, I mean, I don’t believe in soulmates anyway,” Stassi says. “I don’t necessarily think there’s only one person that I’m meant to be with. I think that when she says ‘you’re meant to be with this person, or you’re not meant to be with this person’ it means that this is someone that will be compatible with you for a very long time. Not necessarily forever. For me, I think people who get divorced after like 10 or 15 years, that’s still a success. If they have children and they can be friends and have a good life and then move on, that’s a successful marriage. We look at things, relationships, where people get divorced in three months.”
“Well I just think that’s a life success in itself, maybe not a successful relationship,” Katie agrees.
“Like you should be proud that you lasted that long,” Stassi laughs.
“I think that if you marry someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and then shit happens, life happens, and you end up divorcing, at least that person can remain in your life,” Katie says. “It’s always sad when you date someone, you’re so close and in love with them, if you break up with them they become a stranger. That always makes me a little sad because you shared so much with someone, they were such a huge part of your life. Especially in a marriage or when you have kids, you share even more, so I consider that to be a good life win if you’re able to maintain. But that becomes harder and people change, so, it’s not always the easiest.”
“Listen, I mean, I have like a million divorces up in my grill, my parents love divorce, so I’ve experienced a lot to the point where I don’t have a fairytale idea in my head,” Stassi says. “If that ended up happening for me, great, awesome, but my brain… I can’t think that way. Especially since I’m 29 now. When I was like 20-25, oh, I had that fairytale idea in my head that it’s all or nothing and if it doesn’t work out it’s the end of the world. Like uh, hello, why did I stay with Jax that long?”
“You won’t care about the ones that didn’t call you back.”
“So I’ve told my therapist before, ‘I don’t like that my mood is so affected by men,'” Stassi says. “Whether it’s my boyfriend, or somebody I’ve been on only like one date with, if I don’t get asked out again or if I don’t get a text back right away, I don’t like that that affects my mood. I don’t like that about myself, and that’s something I’ve spoken about for months. I’ve only recently started to become less affected by it.”
“That’s a huge, huge thing that you have to learn, and you really can only do that when you’re single, because it’s the only time you can practice that kind of thing,” Katie says.
“Yes!” Stassi agrees. “I’m getting practice.”
“That’s what I did, I mean I got to the point where maybe I was a little too jaded in the fucks I gave, which was none about whether someone texted me back. In my mind I was like, ‘It’s his loss, just gotta make room for someone else.’ Just having the attitude that it has nothing to do with you, it’s like, ‘This guy is a fuck boy, and it’ll be really fun when you see them eight years later and they’re still doing the same thing, like, how’s that working out for you?’ Learning that is so crucial in your single years because it empowers you and is always reminding you that you have a standard,” Katie says. “Only the people that are worth your time and worth your while will be the ones who will get through to you. You’re going to want to spend your time with those people, and you won’t care about the ones that didn’t call you back.”
“Well yeah, but this is a new thing for me,” Stassi says.
“Well good!” Katie says.
“And it’s been really weird,” Stassi explains. “I can’t remember the last time I cried. Did you know that I normally cry, like, every day?”
“No!” Katie gasps. “Over boys?”
“No, not necessarily, it can be over anything,” Stassi explains. “But the fact that I can’t even remember the last time I cried, like it was probably on a plane watching a movie or something, that’s a big deal. I come home every night and I’m by myself, no one to cuddle with except my pups, and I’m like, ‘I’m okay. This isn’t affecting me.’ It’s so weird. I can’t jump from relationship to relationship or something like that, I need to be alone.”
“I mean, ever since I knew you, you’ve kind of gone from one relationship to the next and when you do that, you’re always just kind of picking up where you left off with someone else. You’re like, ‘Well, my last boyfriend just moved out so I guess you should move in.’ You’re playing house. And I mean, it gets hard to start fresh with someone. All of the sudden you’re back at square one, back to the drawing board, back to the texting-back game and waiting to call and wondering and all that shit,” Katie says. “No one has time for that.”
“As a single person, it takes up so much energy when I’m worried about whether someone is going to text me back or not or if they’re going to ask me out,” Stassi says. “I put too much focus on it that I forget the things that I want to do.”